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Oct 21, 2013

Dear Esther,
I have been married for four years. We are both Christian, believers in Christ. I read the Bible/Scripture daily and he, only once in a great while. We don’t pray together unless I ask him, but he does say he prays every day/night. He used to go to church with me, and our little girl sometimes, but now not at all. I am a stay-at-home mom and I take my role as a wife and mother very seriously. I help my husband any way I can with his needs and now with his new business.

My husband, before he started his own company, recently, became close to another woman from his former job. They are just friends he says, like brother and sister. They call each other from early morning til he comes home from work and even when he is here at home (also texting).

Also they meet for lunch when they can, sometimes with her fiancé and others from work, sometimes alone. They gossip about where he used to work (she still works there), flirting sometimes. They discuss me and I heard them on the phone discussing her fiancé. I have overheard some of their conversations. My husband says she helps him with getting jobs (and yes that is true, she does).

One day I tried to talk to him again but it ended again in an argument, with him getting VERY mad! (I have tried to talk to him about this two other times to tell him how I feel about their relationship.) He called her up and told her to talk to me. On the phone she was telling me how they are “just friends” and in her line of work that she has guy friends. She said my husband talks to her about God. (Yet he has called me and my friends Bible thumpers, too judgmental and told me he doesn’t want me around his friends).

I am a quiet person, more of a listener, not unsociable or judgmental. She said she talks to my husband about her first marriage, how bad it was and other things and told me she is engaged and how jealous her fiancé is (my husband knows him and has worked with him and are friends). I asked my husband if her fiancé knows that they discuss him and would he approve if he knew. My husband said no, he wouldn’t approve (then he mustn’t know how they discuss him either).

He told me she is his friend and I need to get over it!

In other words my husband isn’t giving her up no matter what. (I never told him he needed to choose between us before he told me that, and haven’t still.) I feel hurt and betrayed that he would speak to another woman personally about me and say that she is HIS good friend. He has told me his other friends might not be there for him, but she would. He said I am the only person who would think this is not okay, because I’m insecure. Would this concern any other woman?

Krystina

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Dear Krystina,
Something is really wrong with this picture, as the saying goes. From our follow-up correspondence, you have shared with me that your husband is in his forties. If you were both 20 and a couple casually dating I would say, “Let him have his ‘good friend’ and you go ahead and move on.”

But you are married and that makes all of this very hard to take. He is a grown man who has taken marriage vows with you (Forsaking all others?). You have a young child together. He says he prays every day/night but acts like a self-centered adolescent. He has literally told you, “Tough, this is the way it is. Live with it.” (Whom does he think he is praying to any way while he totally disregards God’s biblical teachings and disrespects his wife?) It seems he is praying to a god of his own design.

Your feelings of humiliation and betrayal are understandable. He should be ashamed of himself for placing you in such a vulnerable and embarrassing situation. He then tries to make you feel like you are the problem because you are “the only one that would think this is not okay.” Well, I’ve got news for your husband—God doesn’t think it is okay. And any true Christian, men and women alike would be very bothered by this. So would plenty of others who are not Christians.

According to the Bible, husbands must treat their wives with respect and as equal heirs of God’s gifts:

“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

He is making a mockery of your marriage and continues to insult you right under your nose day in and day out after you have already expressed your feelings. This is not only childish behavior it is down right cruel. His behavior is highly inappropriate, immature and totally self-centered. Now if the duo included you in their “friendship” that would be a different story to some degree. But the two “friends” seem to imply that they are a team and there isn’t room for anyone else. Apparently you and the woman’s so-called fiancé are meaningless objects to push aside while they carry on with their emotional tryst.

Husbands are to love their wives and treat them kindly:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19).

Christ gave Himself totally and selflessly for us. The husband is to do the same for his wife. He is to place his wife’s needs before his own, living sacrificially for her. But this command has not been taken seriously by far too many men, and it is evident by the way wives are mistreated and neglected. The godly men who understand and live by this principle are some of the happiest most productive men in the church. Because they treat their wives with loving respect, in return they are given the love, loyalty and attention they want and need—in large doses. A loving unselfish attitude cultivates a loving response. A selfish, harsh attitude creates distance and mistrust.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

In our correspondence you told me your husband wrote you a very special letter recently, telling you there is nothing more than “friendship” going on with this woman and that he is devoted to you and your daughter, that he loves you and wants to protect you from the economic uncertainties and possible coming civil unrest and erosion of our individual freedoms. He credits you for helping him stop drinking and bringing God into the home.

That is all well and good but unless he sorts out his priorities there is going to be ongoing tension between the two of you. It sounds like he is concerned about problems in the world and is doing something to prepare for that -- but apparently he does not understand that he could die at any time and face an eternity away from God if he does not repent.

He needs to be ready for death or for the Rapture, whichever comes first and realize this is a reality, which he cannot escape. He could lose his life and live an eternity apart from the true and living God unless he wakes up, repents and starts to study the Word of God and starts living it. Instead, he is living totally in the flesh disregarding your feelings and needs.

You also say his behavior does not match up with what he wrote in his letter, especially since you have already told him a number of times how all of this hurts you. He certainly is not acting in a loving and concerned manner. And he is also being disloyal to the Lord by telling you to stop talking about God to his friends.

Apparently he doesn’t care to serve the Lord and spread the gospel. He is more concerned about pleasing his friends, not you, not God. His friends (especially the woman he is so close to) seem to take first billing. He is not honoring you as his wife as the Scriptures teach.

You have been placed in a very tough situation but you have God to reach out to on your behalf. Keep leaning on Him to carry you through this frustrating time. You have already talked to your husband and the last time you tried, he got so angry you started shaking with fear and he broke a glass. In our emails you said you got so scared that you were afraid he might hit you.

Why is he so attached to this woman that it makes his blood boil when you tell him what he is doing is not right? Krystina, I feel for you because unless your husband snaps out of this you are in for a rough ride. And the tragedy is that there is also an innocent child involved.

His first loyalty should be to God and then to you and your daughter. You know all this. At the moment his only loyalty is to himself, to this woman and his friends, it seems. Others are not to come between a husband and wife.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

You are the one he should be talking to all day long and confiding in, not his “good friend.” He is completely out of line and if he does not wake-up he is facing a very difficult future. Unless he gets right with God and with you, he is in for a surprise if he thinks God is going to stand for this kind of behavior. His attitude is totally unacceptable and he is not fulfilling his role as a husband and father as commanded by God.

He is much too emotionally attached to this woman and she, to him. Since he will not go to church with you, go anyway. Go and get involved with the people there and pray for the Lord to deal with your husband. You are going to need emotional support and there is always an off chance if you start going to church often enough he might go with you.

You need to be around true Christians who care about others. At least you have a good church available in your area from what you wrote, last. We don’t know how the Lord is going to work in this situation but He is not going to abandon you. He understands your heartache and your tears.

I understand that your husband is branching out and starting his own business and that is tough, and somehow this woman he worked with probably gives him a sense of security since she understand his line of work. But from what you have shared with me, you understand his work too, enough to help him get his own new business off the ground and maintain it.

The relationship with the woman has placed a wedge between you and your husband and it is difficult to feel emotionally safe when you know that he might tell her anything and everything about you; things that should only be between you and your husband. He has broken your trust.

Not only are you unequally yoked; the marriage bond has been damaged by the unholy alliance between your husband and this woman. Krystina, this is not fair. I feel for you. But for the sake of your little girl, and for your own sanity, please get involved with others so you are not alone, especially if things get worse. We cannot know how any of this is gong to evolve. The one thing you can count on is the Lord and His tremendous love for you. You must keep your focus on the Lord and not on your husband.

When a man knows his wife is a stay-at-home mom choosing to put her family first, but then places her in a difficult insecure position by causing her to not trust him (knowing full well she and the children are dependent on him for their daily needs), that is a low blow. Instead of loving and honoring her he mistreats her and takes advantage of her, and that is the situation you are in, and I am sorry to say—so are millions of other women.

Not to say there are not many men who suffer in a marriage because of a difficult wife. But the majority of complaints are from women who are treated badly by their husbands. Over the span of a year I have only received one letter out of hundreds, where a woman is seeking advice on how to repair the damage she has done in a her marriage because of her cheating, lying and abuse of her husband’s trust.

Have you ever considered inviting the woman and her fiancé over for dinner? If I were you I would insist on doing that. Make your finest meal and be as gracious as can be. The fiancé might also get a little surprise if he sees the dynamics between the two buddies. If your husband says no, then right there that is another bad sign that their relationship is much too exclusive.

Let him know that since he has made it loud and clear that this woman is to be a part of his life then you and the fiancé, all four of you ought to be able to get together, and have a nice evening together. After all, what is the big deal, anyway? Right?

You are not a doormat. You do not deserve to be treated like a worn out dishrag, tossed aside and placed in the background. Be as understanding of this change of jobs as you can but look at him wide-eyed and tell him that leaving you out of the picture is only going to make things worse and that he needs to tell his “friend” that she must respect the fact that he is a married man and that you, too, need to be a part of their “friendship.” You should be able to get to know her, too. After all it sounds like she knows a whole lot about you!

You are willing to do anything and everything to make his business a success and make the marriage work but that means you must also be involved in their relationship, and not sloughed aside like you are some sort of insignificant object. If he wants to lose his house and his family and start paying alimony because of this, then it may come to that. But first give him a chance to change the dynamics with this woman. I guarantee this type of wedge in your marriage cannot be sustained without a serious backlash.

Playing you for a fool is not something that can go on for a prolonged period of time. At some point you are going to react and if he blows up again, then I am sorry to say, you may have to see a good attorney and get some sound advice on what your options are. You are in a very difficult position.

You have already told me that your husband would not be willing to go to counseling and you have no one that can talk some sense into him. But God has a way of intervening in situations—so never give-up hope. At some point he may be, befriended by a godly man, somehow. It could happen in his work, through someone he meets. So please trust that God is working to bring about a good solution to your dilemma.

It is one thing to seek out support from a trusted friend when a spouse is abusive and unkind. Talking out such problems is not the same as taking up with another woman over the phone around the clock, sharing intimate details about himself, his wife and his marriage. You have done nothing to warrant this type of behavior from you husband, and his gossiping is damaging your relationship to a point that it will inevitably escalate into a blowout and a possible separation. Or, your husband will stop this obsession he has to bring another woman into your marriage. But right now that seems to be asking for too much as far as he is concerned.

I suggest writing a loving letter to him expressing your concerns even though you have already spoken to him about this. Tell him you understand that he has people that he needs to communicate with about his work/business but that does not mean he has to make anyone a confidant outside of you. You are his wife and you should be his primary confident, his “good friend.” This is the point you can use to try to make him understand his wrongdoing.

Tell your husband communicating with this woman occasionally or a couple times during the week would be okay but not the constant back and forth phone calls ALL day long, every day. This isn’t a matter of jealousy on your part. It is a matter of respect for you and the marriage. Your privacy!

In your letter, tell him it is very unsettling to have to be placed in a situation where your personal life is discussed with another woman behind your back. Tell him that his expectations are unrealistic and that no one would want to be in your shoes. And telling you otherwise is a weak excuse on his part so he can continue to do what he is doing.

If this woman were really his friend she would not want to cause problems for him. She should be reaching out to you, including you in the “friendship.” She obviously has no manners, and doesn’t care how she hurts you and/or has a hidden agenda. How would she like it if her fiancé were doing what she is doing?

You have also mentioned that this woman often asks your husband about your daughter, even sends her gifts, but never asks about you. This is very inappropriate and leads me to believe this woman has no respect for your marriage. A female friend should make an effort include the wife of a married man in some way, out of courtesy and respect.

His request for you to stay away from his friends is another matter that cannot be ignored. He is living a separate rebellious life outside your marriage. If he thinks he is a Christian why is he calling you a Bible thumper and telling you to stay away from his friends? He is living some sort of double life that is not edifying to the Lord at all.

Unless he repents and starts taking the God of the Bible seriously and stops appealing to his own god and self-centered lifestyle, you will have two choices. You stay in the marriage and accept the way he is and live separate lives emotionally, or your separate and live apart. Neither option is good.

Your best hope is to try to stay as calm as possible, encourage your husband with his work as you have been and get involved in your church and keep your focus on the Lord. Prayer can and does change things. Be as loving as you can but make your position known. Calmly and in your letter make it clear to him that by alienating you from his friends and continuing this constant communication with the woman -- he is living outside of God’s plan for marriage.

This hurts not only you but your child as well. It sounds like he wants to be out in the world doing his own thing regardless of how it hurts you, and then come home to a cozy nest.

If he continues with this kind of behavior and you choose to stay with him, then tell him he has changed the dynamics of the marriage and it will only create a bigger barrier between the two of you. Ask him in your letter why it is so important for him to risk his family and marriage happiness over this woman and the friends he wants you to stay away from. Ask him to take a step back and recognize that this path he is on is only taking him away from a true relationship with the God of the Bible, from you and your daughter, and the life you have built together.

“And knowing their thoughts Jesus said to them, “Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself will not stand” (Matthew 12:25).

When we find ourselves living in trying circumstances because of another person’s selfish unkind behavior, we must keep it in perspective as much as possible. Use this time to strengthen your relationship with the Lord. Pray that your husband will reach a point of true surrender to the Lord and grow-up emotionally. He desperately needs a strong Christian male role model to guide him. We serve a great and mighty God who can turn even the worst of circumstances into great ones. Stay optimistic but don’t kid yourself either.

I wish I could make this all go away for you. So many women and families are suffering because the husband (fathers), are not living godly lives and taking the leadership roles the way God intended. This seems to be an epidemic in our culture and a sure sign of the last days. Your heart for the Lord is very sincere and it is your relationship with Him that will get you through all of this.

No matter what happens, never forget that we are only on this earth for a short period of time. Our future is with the Lord in His kingdom. What our loved ones choose to do or not to do cannot be controlled. God has promised to take care of His children and that means He will take care of you and your little girl, too, no matter what happens.

Stay in close fellowship with the Lord and pray throughout the day every chance you can. At some point if this continues and your husband wants to keep acting like an insensitive fool placing this woman and his friends before you, you may get to the point where you don’t even care any more and that will be a loss for him.

A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

Please keep in touch with me and know that the Lord is with you. Jesus truly does stick closer than a brother.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

In God’s love,

Esther

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Zechariah 12:3,9:
And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all people; And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.
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