FOR FAIR USE AND EDUCATION AND DISCUSSION PURPOSES



IF NOAH WANTED TO BUILD HIS ARK TODAY, HOW DIFFERENT IT WOULD BE:

(Prayerfully, we all have some sense of humor)


Theory 1:


And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I�m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You�d better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn�t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn�t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn�t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn�t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I�m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I�m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I�m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don�t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you�re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," the Lord replied, "The government already has."
And with that, the rain stopped, the clouds parted, and the sun reappeared.


Theory 2:


I know God said in the Bible that he'd never flood the earth again like he did back in Noah's day, but I often wonder how our modern-day society would handle it if the endless rains did come again.

And it could happen, you know. After all, as reported in Genesis, the Lord took one look at the earth, saw the wickedness of man, and was sorry he ever created him in the first place. That's when God decided to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. I can see the same conclusion being reached today. After all, if God thought the earth was corrupt back in Noah's day, what must He think now?

I don't mean to be blasphemous, but if Noah's Ark were built today it would be a far different story. Noah would try to keep it quiet, but Larry King would catch wind of the big boat and book Shem, Ham and Japeth on his CNN show to tell what a rotten father Noah was. The National Organization for Women would demand that no males of ANY species be loaded on the boat, especially humans. Earth First wouldn't want any people on the ship, period, because as we all know, they are the scourge of the earth.

Even though God specifically said in Genesis that "all cattle according to their kinds" be loaded on the Ark, vegetarians would go to court to kick cows and cowboys off and to make sure that sprouts would be served in the ship's cafeteria. PETA would, no doubt, stage a nude sit-down strike to protest the brutal conditions and close confinement of the animals on the Ark. Movie stars Ed Asner, Barbara Streisand, Kim Basinger and others would assert that all the animal would be better off dead than to have their freedoms compromised in the belly of a boat. Instead, they'd lobby Congress to have their space turned over to "washed-up" movie stars.

A kindergarten student would suggest that we use this golden opportunity to rid the world forever of undesirous species like flies, rattlesnakes and lawyers, but then the ACLU would sue for the rights of handicapped spiders and birds, even though they could fly above the floods.

Minor fights would break out between the AQHA and Peruvian Paso breeders as to the breed of horse selected, and there'd be a real dog fight to see which two cats got tickets to board the big ship. The greenies would forget all about saving endangered species and be far more concerned about saving their own sorry selves.

The Department of Interior would be very concerned about salmon and sucker fish and demand that more than two of each be included in the ship's manifest. But a farmer would suggest that since salmon and suckers could swim, perhaps they could survive on their own. Fourteen university professors would hire on as consultants to explain what God meant by a "cubit." Once all the animals were on board, the Defenders of Wildlife would want to turn the wolves and bears loose in first class to roam around.

Since Noah was 600 years old the last time he built an Ark, he'd grow tired real fast of the bureaucracy in obtaining building permits. How could he build an Ark if he couldn't cut down any trees? Realizing that it might get a little ripe and rank on a ship after 40 days, the Air Quality Control Board would sue Noah and his family for a zillion dollars.

The government couldn't leave such an important job to Noah, so they'd lay him off and put the job up for bid. A multinational corporation would then build the boat in a foreign country, replace animal cages with luxury suites, and make the trip a tax-deductible cruise for company executives.

The Nature Conservancy would realize immediately that the Ark was truly "The Last Great Place," and they'd start raising money to buy it. The boat would come in over budget and leak like a sieve. Once afloat, members of Greenpeace would circle in their rubber rafts, protesting that no whales were saved, even though they could swim, too, like the suckers and the salmon. The Ark Two would sink, all on board would drown, and the earth would become one giant wetland ... finally making the Sierra Club happy.