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The Plank in the “I”



By Mindy Silva



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Out of His goodness, mercy, and grace He has saved us. He has forgiven us. So, why is it so hard for us to do the same with others? Why is it so difficult for some believers to forgive their brother or sister in Christ in the little things? Yes, little. Little things because the big things are so obvious that we deal with them automatically. Ah, but the little things─one word here, one look there, one perceived slight here or one omission there can have an accumulating effect and start attaching themselves inside your spirit, like a plague to the lining of your arteries, until you realize that now you have justified a case against that brother or sister, which has become a wall of separation.



We are instructed in His Word that when going before the Lord in prayer, make sure you have forgiven the person who has something against you, then, go and pray. Many confuse this verse by reading into it that if you have anything against someone else. But it clearly doesn’t say that. It says if someone has something against you, then you’re to first go and make things right then come back and pray. (There may yet be other applications to this verse.)



Realize that the walls of separation we put up are because we are under the impression someone else has something against us, not because they actually do. Are we discerning enough to go before the person and clear that up first, not because of them, but because of you, so that the slight(s) perceived by you may be abolished and eliminated and in so doing you are clean again? On the other hand, let’s say it is true your brother or sister has intentionally slighted you and it’s not just your perception─you still need to do the same thing. In fact, you should have done it back then, before it became a wall.



It is not our feelings we have to protect but the feelings of others. If they do not forgive you, you can take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and then proceed on your merry way for you tried to make amends (your relationship with God is what is at stake if there is unforgiveness in your heart). Misunderstandings and misperceptions occur even among the best of intentions, but most of the time they are a foot-in-the-door intent by (you know who). Those are the trickier ones to detect if we are not on watch or familiar with you-know-who’s tactics. They trip you up in your walk with the Lord. You can’t let that happen.



Years before coming to the Lord, I experienced two separate incidents that drove the misperception point home. One was with a window in my living room. I lived on the ground floor of an apartment building and the area was not too safe. One night I had a few friends over and while sitting in my living room, I started noticing one friend would periodically, during the course of the evening, get up and open one of the windows.



Then I started noticing that another friend would soon follow by getting up and shutting the same window. This went on all evening. They never said anything to each other about opening and closing the window, neither did I. Years later, I brought it up with each of them about that particular incident, asking them why one insisted on keeping the window shut while the other insisted on keeping it open. The one who closed the window wanted to make sure no one would try to get in. The one who opened the window wanted to make sure we could get out.



The next incident occurred while I was a passenger in my (then) fiancé’s car. He was from the Midwest where they didn’t lock their cars. I was from NYC where everyone locked everything and anything there is to lock! While on the road, I would push the button on the door to make sure it was locked. But then I would notice that he would end up unlocking it from his side of the driver’s seat. This went on for a while until I asked why. Well, he wanted to make sure that if we were involved in an accident or ended up in a body of water we could get out, making it easier for anyone trying to save us. That’s why he kept it unlocked. I wanted it locked because I was a New Yorker who had been subjected to many scary incidents of men trying to open my car doors while I was inside!



Here I was, not thinking of the implications of these strange scenarios but finding out soon enough how differently life is perceived by each of us. There was no slight involved in these two scenarios, but they do point to our experiencing life through other people’s eyes. Things are truly not what they seem. They are all perceived. With strangers or even with our own families, this might be the norm, but with our brother or sister in Christ this shouldn’t be the case. We have the same Spirit, are part of the same body, so why is this so prevalent? Why so touchy? Why does our “I’ – our ego – rise up in us for any little thing? And, it’s almost always the very thing we weren’t prepared for.



During my youth, I belonged to a Pentecostal church. At the age of fifteen or so, I kicked some church ladies out of our home. At the end of the next service, which was the next day, for we went to church seven days a week, I went to shake the co-pastor’s hand and he refused. Asking what was wrong, he very loudly and boldly (to match his height?) stated because I wanted to be “X” (my mother’s name) in my house. I remember replying right back that if I wasn’t “X” in my house, then who was it going to be. Then I very loudly (to match his height!) followed with the reason why the church ladies had been kicked out of our home (which they conveniently forgot to include in their story), telling him this was something he should have been made aware of before getting on his high horse.



These ladies would get together at our house, which was right across the street from the church building, and peel and scalp every other member of the church they possibly could from the minister down to the janitor. I mean the gossip was vicious! My mother, a very quiet and humble person, was not a gossip. Though she felt very uncomfortable about the situation, she didn’t dare tell them to leave. Well, after watching her squirm and seeing how trapped she was feeling, I did. What that co-pastor should have done was take me aside and ask me what happened, giving me the opportunity to tell my side of the story. But no, I was judged and condemned, so I deserved to be wrongly treated. He acted out of his misperception or misinterpretation of the situation on a one-sided basis.



This is just one of such experiences that I’m pretty sure we all have had at one time or another. But it points to having to deal with people who are so quick to hang someone without having all the facts all based on a one-sided view of the situation. (Or even if they do have all the facts not to be so quick to hand in the verdict!) In my investigative work experience, this is what you do; you gather all your facts first.



But in Christ, we are all troubleshooters, whether we like to be or not. And we have to be. We are all: “Conflict Resolution Specialists.” We should be experts at making sure the plank is taken out of our “I” before we can even approach anyone else with our misperception of someone else’s splinter in theirs. Maybe the problem is that not enough teaching is done on the subject. A “jumpstart” course for new born-again believers should be in place in most churches. Then a refresher course on a yearly basis for everyone should be the norm. The federal government has training in place for new and regular employees. They are trained in conduct and disciplinary actions so they will be aware of how they are expected to behave.



They are also informed of EEO laws and regulations so that they will be aware of what their rights are under the law and what to do if those rights are impinged upon. In my Human Resources federal career, most of my time was spent in advising management and employees in resolving employee-relations issues, mostly dealing with perception. I developed and provided training on leadership and supervisory courses. I found that not everyone is cut out to be a leader. Some can’t see past their egos and so they miss seeing both sides of the equation. Your perception of what you think occurred does not make it so. This is critical, inside or outside the faith.



Not many people want to hear that they are wrong, though. And, it’s not our job to tell them that they are. The issue faced is to get acquainted with the other person’s point of view, why they did what they did, or said what they said or acted so irrationally over something dumb and stupid. (But remember, dumb and stupid to you, but not to them.) We don’t have to agree with other people’s actions, but we do have to understand the motive behind the actions. (This is the secret of great negotiators!)



As followers of Christ, our intent should never be to win, our intent is to understand and be mediators, keeping our discernment razor-sharp and clear. Our light should go before us into any situation. And that is done by putting ourselves in the other person’s place, which not many can do. By imagining what it’s like to walk in other people shoes, whether slippers, sneakers, loafers, or high heels, you will be able to exhibit compassion─something followers of Christ are known for. Some of us don’t have a vivid imagination (at least for the things we should have it for) and will dredge and dredge but come-up with nothing. And that’s okay too. OK? Yes! You leave it up to God for Him to work more on your spirit than theirs, for if the plank remains in your “I,” it will never get to be a splinter.



God bless!



©Mindy Silva 2013

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Zechariah 12:3,9:
And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all people; And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.
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Steven

Hi Steven...She brought out a lot of good points, but she missed the main one. It is God who should be telling us how to behave. That is not the responsibility of any pastor. He should be teaching Scripture, if anything at all! It is a very rare pastor, if any at all, that give their "flock" homework, so they will be obliged to OPEN THEIR BIBLES AT HOME. God would, then, teach them proper conduct in the way it should be taught.

Arlene

We have all walked the plank. Sometimes we were wise enough to back up and other times, we jumped right in regreting our hasty steps.

Each of us is an unique individual. We think differently, speak differently and act differently. Even identical twins have that distinction. Only a loving and forgiving God could put up with us.

I have seen this in-fighting quite a bit this past couple of week on the subject of "Jews". Let Jesus' own Words show us that there are Jews and then there are those of the Synagogue of Satan. Let's be on the side of His Word.....looking at ourselves, eh?

Too many words usually muddle the message.

This was wonderfully said.

Thank you for this post.