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Jun 17, 2013

Dear Esther,
Over the Memorial Day Weekend I decided to look at your section of Rapture Ready (which I love and read every day) and came upon the letter from Brian, dated 5/13/13. I was shocked to say the least how that his struggle and double life as a Christian was so similar to my own. How I can relate to this guy!

The only thing is, I am not and never have been addicted to alcohol or cocaine. But I have struggled with same-sex attraction ever since I can remember. I was saved at age 8 and have had many highs and lows in my Christian walk just like Brian. I am 51, married to a beautiful wife since age 20 and have two wonderful kids, both graduates from college and now married. I have had a successful business for ten years now. God has been very good to me.

But a year ago my wife discovered one of my escapades and we almost got divorced over it, but she does not want to lose me nor I her, and she forgave me with the declaration that if it happened again, it was over. She only knows of the one-occurrence but not the hundreds of others. Upon counsel from my Christian counselor he has advised me that revealing to her my true hidden life and hundreds of escapades would do more harm than good for her. So I have decided to keep it to myself and deal with it the best I can and let things remain as normal as possible.

I know how Brian feels and what he is going through. It is horrible! What is hard for me, especially, is the national debate about homosexuality and gay marriage on Christian radio, almost every day now. It drudges up horrible feelings in me all the time. I almost wish that my addiction were anything but same sex attraction. Why couldn’t it have been drug addiction? Stealing? Anything but that! It is so shameful.

But reading Brian’s letter and your response did bring me closer to some healing in my soul and some strength. I often questioned my salvation experience at the age of 8. If I had really gotten saved I never would have struggled with this, but at age 8, I remember that my approaching Christ to be saved was sincere. I wasn’t playing games. Anyway, I have gone over and over it in my mind a thousand times and wondered, “Where did I go wrong?”

I was never molested as a child. I had very good Christian parents. My mom was more domineering and my dad was very quiet and passive. I do not blame him. He was a good father and provider. I think that I may have needed a stronger male role model in my life. Who knows? Anyway, I may never figure it out. I just want to be a good and faithful servant to the Lord. He has been very good to me. I have just let him down thousands of times with this issue.

I did have to step-down as a deacon in my church and from teaching, but have since then I have been restored to my teaching. The deacon thing may never come back, I don’t know. Every person I have tried to find to be accountable to never worked-out. They become disinterested and/or they never checked back with me to see how things were going. So much for confessing our faults one to another for healing…

Sorry to go on and on with it. Just thought you might want to hear my story.

Some people won’t touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. I never hear this mentioned on talk shows─that there are people who struggle with same sex attractions secretly, and don’t want to be that way. Not all gay people want to be that way. You always hear about the militant ones and I think that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back in Sodom. If you read that carefully it says and their “cry” went up before God. I think that cry was a cry of, in-your-face defiance─just my take.

Thank You,

Bill

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Dear Bill,
Thank you for having the courage to write and share your story. I have surprisingly received quite a number of letters on this topic and you are not alone in your particular struggle. You are the first, willing to share your letter with the readers about your battle with same-sex attraction─in hopes of helping others who feel they are alone in this agonizing dilemma. This response is not only for this type of sin but covers the struggles we all have with sin.

We are saved by grace and truly and only by the grace of God are we saved. When I first became a believer I naively thought that Christians would never have the same struggles as those out in the world. After all we are new creations in Christ. But we were also born with the sin nature and live in this fallen, broken world. The apostle Paul wrote about his own struggles. He truly loved the Lord, he stood up for his faith and suffered tremendously and yet even with all of that, the sin factor was right on his heels. Paul described his own struggle with sin in the book of Romans:

Romans 7.14-20, 24:

“For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.”

Every believer has something to deal with. Some might cry out and say, “But stop! My sin is not as bad as his sin.” When we hurt others in the process of sin and there is massive deception and betrayal, of course we can say that those sins are much more damaging. Some sins have far greater consequences than others, no doubt. The point is that each person has some type of struggle with some type of sin.

We all have our own individual vices that we must place before the cross, daily. Jesus knew very well that once we accepted Him as Lord and Savior that we would still fall on occasion, some more than others. That is why He took ALL our sins upon Himself, past, present and future. Of course that does not mean that we should blatantly defy Him and go on sin-binges with no regard for what we are doing. By their fruits you will know them (Matthew 7:18-20).

Every letter I have received on the same-sex issue is filled with gut-wrenching agonizing remorse. We know that this type of sin is an abomination to God. Bill, you have taken steps to stop your sin, to repent and you have taken responsibility for it. Yes, same-sex involvement is an abominable sin. But adultery and pornography are also abominations and sadly many professing Christians also partake in those sins.

Trying to overcome sin totally in our own strength is a going nowhere, futile battle. Our own efforts fall flat, as much as we might try. Only in Christ’s strength can we truly overcome anything. We have to give it all over to Him. Without daily surrender of our will to the Lord’s will, our struggles will glare at us, maybe from a far-hidden-corner somewhere, but they are there.

So what are we to do?

How do we live as true believers and break a chronic cycle of destructive sin?

We must stay in the Word of God (2 Timothy 4:2; Acts 17:11).

“Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, according to the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account” (Hebrews 4: 11-13).

This is called renewing the mind, spoken of in Romans 12.2:

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

We renew our minds through a strong prayer life communicating with the Lord and with consistent Bible study, forsaking the time wasting “thrills” of the world and taking our faith very seriously; and by choosing our friends carefully and wisely.

We are to take-up the cross daily and follow Him. Notice in the Scripture below where Jesus said that we are to deny our selves. But most of us are busy exalting ourselves. Some much, much more than others but we all do it on some level, if we are honest with ourselves (and continue to hold on to our fleshly desires to our own detriment).

This is what keeps us bound to whatever sin we struggle with. We must come to terms with God’s message to stop placing so much importance on “self”─our own “needs” and place the needs of others first. When we are thinking about ourselves we are ripe and ready to satisfy the flesh. And before you know it Satan is knocking at the door inviting us to indulge

“Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.”

I have actually heard some Christians say that they died to their ego a long time ago.

Really?

The Lord makes it very clear that unless we deny ourselveswe are going to have problems. So we are to die to ourselves daily and take up the cross daily.

Take up the whole armor of God daily to break the pattern of habitual sin and resist the devil:

In order to overcome the onslaught of the world’s temptations all engineered by the father of lies─the devil, it is crucial to do take up the “whole armor of God” as taught in Ephesians 6.10-13:

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”

Bill, your point about questioning your salvation at various times throughout your life is important. I am sure from what you have said you were initially sincere in your acceptance of Christ. It is a shaky follow-up that can begin to erode our sincerest proclamations of faith. Yes, we are saved by faith through grace. But unless we adhere to the wise teachings in the Bible our struggles can control us.

Some fall into sin occasionally, and others take sin to an extreme─to the point where true salvation in Christ is seriously in question. Be sure that you have fully repented and are saved. When we truly repent and are born-again we have the help of the Holy Spirit to guide us and strengthen us. We are forgiven and made righteous:

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them, which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” (Romans 8:1-4).

When we faithfully study the Word of God led by the Holy Spirit our faith is strengthened, so when habitual sin comes knocking at the door, we can leave a sign posted that says, “Sorry, I’m not here, I’m hanging out with Jesus today. And by the way, don’t bother me again because I’m hanging out with Jesus every day.”

If we find ourselves caught-up in habitual sin, then it is time to seriously reevaluate whether our commitment to the Lord is genuine. If not, we can sincerely repent and rededicate our lives to the Lord and He will take us back with open arms. Even when we are born-again by the Spirit of God our spiritual growth is greatly hindered when our focus is on the world and its temporal goodies. Our focus must be on Him, so His desires for us become our desires, and then we are not as prone to fall.

If you are on a diet, but you have a luscious-looking cake sitting on the dinner table every night, there is a very good chance that some of cake will end-up in your stomach before long. Don’t put the cake on the table. In fact, keep it out of the house. It is the same with any temptation. Stay clear of trouble and focus on the Lord and His ways. We are in this world but we are not to be of this world.

But when we do fall, and we all do at some point by varying degrees, we have our Advocate, Jesus, to stand before the Father on our behalf:

”If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 1:8-2:1).

We are only made righteous through Christ. Nothing we do can ever be enough to save us and get us into heaven. But He does want us to give our all to Him:

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind’” (Matthew 22:37).

Each one of us, at one time or another should examine ourselves whether we are truly in the faith:

“Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. But I trust that you will know that we are not disqualified” (2 Corinthians 13:5-6).

We must always be careful of our thoughts:

“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).

“Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess” (Hebrews 3:1).

Our God is much more forgiving than any of His creation will ever be. He is our blessed assurance. Bill, please immerse yourself more deeply into the Holy Scriptures, spend heartfelt time in prayer throughout the day, every day, and you will no longer be a slave to that horrific inner-struggle you have had. The only type of addiction we should accept is an addiction to Jesus Christ!

Since you have a teaching position at your church, perhaps you should consider extending your ministry to small intimate groups in your home or the homes of others. Create a time of true fellowship where believers can come together in love and concern for one another.

Those who disappointed you in the past─when you reached out for help with accountability─are in great need of inner-reflection regarding their own lack of commitment. Sadly, this lack of availability of believers, one to another, is much too common in the church today.

Many believers feel lost in their own home church─lost in the crowd. By being available to others on a steady basis in a smaller group setting, you will also help keep your own shortcomings in check. The more we give to others, the more we are blessed and kept from temptation.

The great news for all believers is that Jesus the Messiah is coming soon and we will be totally free of all our struggles. Keep fighting the good fight and just like I wrote Brian regarding his struggle, “Just say, no.” Be sure you have totally cut-off all ties with those who have been part of your destructive past. You can do it in God’s strength.

Imagine that you are face-to-face with the Savior. Are you ready to face Him? Keep the image of that crown of thorns He wore on your behalf in your mind, the blood gushing from his head to cover all our wretched sins. He deserves our love and trust more than anyone.

Be sure you truly belong to Him, Bill. Give your all to Him. Reach out to others with the gospel while there is still time, before the trumpet sounds. And be sure not to identify yourself by your past regrets. Christ died for you so you can be free of regrets and live righteously through Him. When you hear the ongoing discussions on the same-sex-topic, thank God for intervening in your life and giving you a second chance. Getting caught last year is a good thing. Now don’t test Him (Deuteronomy 6:16).

Even so come Lord Jesus.

In God’s love,

Esther

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up” (James 4:7-8, 10).

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Zechariah 12:3,9:
And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all people; And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.
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