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This forum is about interpersonal manipulation (especially in its extreme forms) and also about how we are all the hero of our own stories, our own lives.

Highly manipulative relationships and groups include battering relationships, cults, and many others which are more subtle and therefore harder to spot. Being a healthy hero is centered on the opposite -- becoming as autonomous as possible and endorsing the autonomy of others.

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Subject:		Re: Decision Making
Name:		Beth
Date Posted:		Aug 7, 08 - 5:48 AM
Website:		http://www.beth-peterson.com
Message:		Dear Confused; This is a terrible situation that happens more often than a lot of people think. You are not alone in your experiences. Blending families, even when only one partner has children, is never easy --- the dynamics (how people react to and interact with each other) almost always shift too much for everyone's comfort. Let me ask you some questions: Before you were married, had you and your (now) husband talked about parenting issues regarding his kids? If so, does his current behavior and attitude match with what was decided on beforehand? Is your husband controlling in other areas of your relationship? Does he consistently assume command and make the decisions, do you both talk about and agree on decisions, or do you each assume unquestioned command over specific aspects of your lives (ie you command the household budget and he commands major purchases like cars)? Command areas can be stuff as ordinary as what is on the TV, as well as big stuff like remodeling the house. Unfortunately, even if he is a normally reasonable person who is not overly controlling, it sounds like you have fallen into a way of trying to communicate with him that sets him off. No matter what, he is almost definitely seeing your attempt to work as a team with parenting his kids as an attempt to wrest control away from him on something he feels is solely his concern. I would strongly suggest that you seek family counseling. Ask your husband to go with you, not so you can get a counselor to change him, but so that the counselor can help you (stress that, because it means you aren't casting blame at your husband) learn to communicate better with him and his children, and help you all, as a group of people who interact a lot (if the word "family" is resisted), get along better. If your husband is an overall controlling person or refuses family / couples counseling, then you may indeed still want to talk to a counselor yourself to determine if you are in a healthy situation, what you want out of your relationship, if that is really possible in this relationship, and to help you work through where you want to go from here.
Replies:
Re: Re: Decision Making by Confused · Aug 21, 08 - 7:35 AM Re: Decision Making by Beth · Aug 21, 08 - 10:26 AM Re: Re: Decision Making by Confused · Aug 24, 08 - 7:59 PM Re: Decision Making by Beth · Aug 28, 08 - 8:30 AM

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