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This forum is about interpersonal manipulation (especially in its extreme forms) and also about how we are all the hero of our own stories, our own lives.

Highly manipulative relationships and groups include battering relationships, cults, and many others which are more subtle and therefore harder to spot. Being a healthy hero is centered on the opposite -- becoming as autonomous as possible and endorsing the autonomy of others.

Feel free to ask, to comment, and to share. And please feel free to use a pen name! I know that a lot of times we want to keep our anonymity.

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Subject:		Re: 18 year old daugher
Name:		Beth
Date Posted:		Feb 14, 06 - 5:46 PM
Website:		http://www.beth-young.com
Message:		Dear Shattered, I am sorry it took so long to respond to you. I hope the delay has not caused you further anxiety. >>> My question is this...I now realize that this boyfriend has many problems and somewhere along the way his perceptions became her reality. Does that make sense? <<< Yes. Your assessment is quite likely correct. His perceptions…or what he wants your daughter to believe…have indeed have most likely become her reality. Or at the least they have almost certainly substantially colored her own perceptions and world views. If and when she connects with you again, you must bear in mind that this past year she quite literally has not been herself. This man has stripped out parts of her inner self and replaced them with his own version of who he has wanted her to be. And even though she may have left him, unfortunately the damages to her self concept and probably even the way she understands the world at large will not easily go away by themselves. Hopefully, if she had a strong sense of self and a good understanding of who she was before she met this man, she’ll be able to regain herself in time. Certainly, if you again have the chance, encourage her as strongly as possible to seek professional help – if possible from a counselor or therapist who has experience with helping those coming out of manipulative relationships. Reassure her that she was not the ‘wrong’ one, nor ‘bad’. That she is worthy of help, and that she can benefit from that help. (You may want to refrain from saying that “she needs help”.) The more you yourself know and understand about extreme levels of manipulation, I suspect the better able you will be to both cope with your own stress through this, as well as be in a position to better help and support your daughter if and when the opportunity presents itself. I hope this helps, and please do ask anything else you need or want to.

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