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This forum is about interpersonal manipulation (especially in its extreme forms) and also about how we are all the hero of our own stories, our own lives.

Highly manipulative relationships and groups include battering relationships, cults, and many others which are more subtle and therefore harder to spot. Being a healthy hero is centered on the opposite -- becoming as autonomous as possible and endorsing the autonomy of others.

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Subject:		18 year old daugher
Name:		shattered
Date Posted:		Feb 12, 06 - 6:40 PM
Message:		I just found your website today and can use your insight. Let me start at the beginning, but this will be the short version.... My daughter turned 18 in September. She began dating a 20 year old boy in 2004, when she was 17. I met him a few times and no alarms went off in my head, just the feeling that something wasn't right. My daughter is the youngest in our family with brothers who are 8 and 11 years older. We are a solid, middle class family, who has had there ups and downs but no real major hassles. We all have always been very open and no subject is taboo. My daughter was a good student and excited and happy to be planning to leave for college. Soon after sending in her acceptance check for an out of town college, she decided she wasn't ready to leave home. After much begging and explaining, I agreed that she could attend a college nearby as a day student. Yes, this should have been alarm number one, but after much discussion I believed this was her choice and had nothing to do with the boyfriend. She entered college in September and did very well for her first semester. The first sign of trouble with her occurred over Thanksgiving when after acting cranky and surrly all week, she got up after dinner and left with no contact for 2 days. Her excuse when she returned was that she was with a friend and that she knew she would be in trouble and was afraid to come home. (I later found out that she was with the boyfriend even though she still denies it.) Life went on normally, except for one conversation where she mentioned that she didnt want to attend college any longer. I had just paid her tuition a few days before (she took the check to the college)so I said she needed to finish the semester and she could reevaluate her college choice over the summer. She didn't seem unhappy and all seemed well. One week later, she left for her part time job and didn't return home that night. I called her boyfriend's home, he lived with his mother and step father and was told that she and the boyfriend had moved out of state! The mother didn't see this as a problem and that was all the information she would give me. I started snooping around and found a message on her phone from the morning she left. In it, I discovered that this "boyfriend" has my beautiful, independant, self assured daughter apparently believing that she is ugly and unworthy of love from anyone but him. I then started putting all the pieces together and realized that he has been manipulating her for the entire year. I then discovered that she had stolen a good sized amount of cash from me right before heading out of state. She has been paying this boy's way for the entire year out of my funds and hers. One week later, she messaged me on the computer and asked if I could help her as she was very afraid of him. I managed to find someone who lived in the state she was in and got them to drive over and pick her up. My daugher left with nothing but what she had on her back. I then found out, not only had he taken all of her money with him but also all forms of ID. (He had left her in their new apartment, while he went to work) I then had to have someone fly to her with her passport to get her home. Cost of the airfare? $1000 When she got home, she refused to speak with me and would only give me dirty looks. I realized that she needed some sort of help and since she wanted to go home with her older brother, I allowed her to do so knowing she would be cared for. He made her a doctors appt for that Monday and another with a pyschologist for that Tuesday, both actions she asked for. Early Monday morning, it was discovered that she was gone. We sent the police after her and we were very concerned with her mental health. The police found her and admitted her for evaluation. In less than 2 hours, she was deemed lucid and released. I have no clue where she is or what has become of her! My question is this...I now realize that this boyfriend has many problems and somewhere along the way his perceptions became her reality. Does that make sense? His home life sounds horrid compared to hers. He hates his father and blames everyone for anything he doesnt achieve. He has even had sex with the step sister when he lived with his father for 8 years. He has no ambition and it is always someone elses fault if he cant keep a job etc. I feel I have done all that is humanely possible to bring my daughter to her senses and keep her safe but she is hell bent to fullfill her "destiny". She has now stolen, lied and cheated every member of her family. Yes I could have her charged with a felony but what good would that do? I realize that since she is a so called adult she has a right to do what she wants. My question is this...Everyone says she will be back once she realizes the mistake she has made. What do I do when and if that happens? How do I keep this person out of her life or at least make her see what he is doing to her? Any help or insight would be very much appreciated!
Replies:
Re: 18 year old daugher by Beth · Feb 14, 06 - 5:46 PM

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